posted on Aug 13, 2009 00:51
What do people want from Relationships?
Every year the nature of reality changes and along with it the way we deal with relationships and what we can expect from them.
Some people think they know what they want, then discover they have changed and want something and someone else.
Many people are addicted to love and need to feel the , chemical high.
Some relationships are about ego, your partner telling you how wonderful and attractive you are.
Compassion, gentleness, and love seems to be key factors in making relationships work. The low level emotions, anger, violence, fear, kill all relationships.
But....what most people want is someone who will be there for them 'no matter what', placing them above everything, to be best friends, exclusive lovers, have frequent and good communication, someone to share their lives with. They want someone who cares, who is dedicated to their relationship, making them feel loved, needed, and removing many of their fears, caretakers for the weary and frightened souls. "I'll do anything for you...." Clients often ask me, "What is my partner thinking about me? Does he or she love me?"
Not everyone is capable of giving or receiving love at a that level, it takes too much away from one's personal growth, most of us avoid needy whiny people.
People often say they just want a companion, but in truth they want the whole package, emotional, physical, mental and spiritual. They want someone to share their lives with. They are fooling themselves if they think otherwise. They want a real relationship.
Then we find other people who do not have an emotional need for this type of intimacy and co-dependence. They usually find it clingy, possessive and controlling.
One must have some degree of balance to make things work.
Some relationships are just about sex, as the partners are very compatible.
Some partners want you all for themselves, to the exclusion of others, family and friends. This goes to low self-esteem issues and an unhealthy relationship.
Then there's the situation when a partner does not get along with your friends and family. We now come to friends... mine, yours, ours. There simply isn't enough time to satisfy everyone and have time for yourself.
Long distance relationships, often created through the Internet, pose too many problems linked with time, money, and availability. They can work for a short-term romance. You meet, have fun and sex, then go back to your routines, no obsessing and changing of lifestyles in most cases, as they won't work.
Most people, at some point in their lives want to meet The One and yet few people do, and if they do, obstacles more 'often than not' present themselves. Remember.... we are an emotionally challenged species.
For millennia relationships were dictated by survival, but all that has changed for most of us, except those ruled by fear.
We fall in love for all the wrong, and all the right reasons. We fall in love, hard and heavy! Then we fall out of love....
But what to we want and expect from relationships? That, too, changes throughout our lives and is not easy to figure out in the best of situations.
You can't have a 21st century relationship with 20th century thinking. It won't work. Women seek freedom and equality in love, career, every aspect of their being. Women need to have financial freedom to pursue personal goals and create balance.
The old days of women who were subservient to men... is dying along with the people of those less enlightened generations where people did not understand respect as they probably never received it. Those souls were so dysfunctional. The sad part is, they didn't recognize there was a problem, and never got help.
How sad is it ... when someone is mentally ill and in this day and age, and does not, or refuses, to get help!
What do husbands and wives really want?
Is there ever a solution that works for all and lasts?
Wives say they want husbands who will be good providers, will call them throughout the day, be there for them and the family, often the wives want to have enough money to stay home and raise the children, or just work part time so they won't get bored, but where does that leave the husband? There are just so many hours in a day.....
Husbands who make lots of money so the family can create security, usually work long hours, travel for their work, and cannot meets the 'at home' needs of wife or children, nor are they generally interested in, or able to cope with the daily dramas of life with children.
Husbands cannot always be there financially, emotionally, physically, while at the same time moving ahead in their careers. Husband work hard, for long hours, come home late and tired, which takes away from the family picture of family members sharing their lives each day. Children grow up resentful, wives and husbands take lovers, usually people they work with, who are in the same place as them, and so it goes. The goals of marriage are not often attainable. And so they play Pretend....Pretend we are a happy couple and our relationship works!
Meanwhile in less 'enlightened' societies, old-world customs, limiting one's choices, especially for women, dictate the partners and relationships one will have. Cultures vary on how, when, and where romantic feelings can be dealt with. It breaks my heart to meet people in cultures where marriages are arranged and men treat women with cruelty, rape being part of the equation.
As all souls seek freedom, they need choices that make sense to their spiritual and personal growth.
Is it in the nature of human experience to be in love only once in a life time? Not in most cases!
In the days before Viagra... we generally viewed men as reaching their sexual peak in their twenties. But today there is Viagra, and other medications that serve the same purpose, allowing men to experience sex and passionate love for decades, or as long as it works. The Viagra stories are endless, but it has brought the 'thrill of the chase' back for many men.
To deny yourself love and sexuality, is to deny an important aspect of the human experience. We meet people, souls who have chosen to experience with us in the physical realms. Sometimes we recognize a special connection with someone, as if by instinct and we FEEL.
Don't be afraid to feel, even if you think you will be disappointed and get hurt. Just take each relationship for what it is, for as long as it lasts, but never hang on to a dying or dysfunctional relationship, or one that does not meet your needs, failure hurts.
Most people have the ability to love romantically. If you feel unable to love, or have never been in love and are past your twenties, you better see what issues are holding you back. There is some degree of fear and denial going on. Maybe your choice is a same-sex partner and you are in denial. You may have experienced childhood sexual abuse. Don't look to past lives for your answers. Look to this lifetime and your fears of abandonment. The answers and excuses are many, but one needs to live in the NOW!
posted on July 27, 2009 16:51
An article taken off http://www.straitstimes.com/.. Good read..
LONDON: Cynical about love?
Scientists have discovered that people can have a love that lasts a lifetime.
Brain scans have proven that a small number of couples can respond with as much passion after 20 years as most people exhibit only in the first flush of love, Britain's Sunday Times newspaper has reported.
The findings overturn the conventional view that love and sexual desire peak at the start of a relationship and then decline as the years pass.
A team from Stony Brook University in New York scanned the brains of couples who had been together for 20 years and compared them with those of new lovers.
About 10 per cent of the mature couples exhibited the same chemical reactions when shown photographs of their loved ones as people commonly do in the early stages of a relationship.
Previous research suggested that the first stages of romantic love - a rollercoaster ride of mood swings and obsessions that psychologists call limerence - start to fade within 15 months. After 10 years, the chemical tide has ebbed away.
Those research also laid out the 'fracture points' in relationships as 12 to 15 months, three years and the infamous seven-year itch.
The latest scans of some of the long-term couples, however, reveal that elements of limerence mature, enabling them to enjoy what a new report calls 'intensive companionship and sexual liveliness'.
The researchers nicknamed the couples 'swans' because they have similar mental 'love maps' to animals that mate for life such as swans, voles and grey foxes.
The reactions of the 'swans'' to pictures of their beloved were identified on MRI brain scans as a burst of pleasure-producing dopamine more commonly seen in couples gripped in the first flush of lust.
'The findings go against the traditional view of romance - that it drops off sharply in the first decade - but we are sure it's real,' said psychologist Arthur Aron at Stony Brook.
Dr Aron said when he first interviewed people claiming they were still in love after an average of 21 years, he thought they were fooling themselves.
'But this is what the brain scans tell us, and people can't fake that,' he said.
One pair of Dr Aron's 'swans' are Mr Billy Jordon and his wife, Michelle, who, 18 years after they met, still make their friends envious. The couple, who live in Newport Beach, California, hold hands all the time.
'It comes very naturally,' said Michelle, 59.
Mrs Lisa Baber, 40, and her husband, David, 46, from Bristol, say they still feel the same frisson as when they first got together 17 years ago.
'He was crazy and so exciting. He whisked me off my feet,' said Lisa. 'That excitement is very much alive. We make sure our lives are always changing.'
Other couples who have kept their passion include former British prime minister Tony Blair and his wife, Cherie, and actor Michael Caine and his wife, Shakira. Mr Michael Howard, the former Tory leader, and his wife, Sandra, have been together for more than 30 years.
Dr Aron said he and his wife, Elaine, both 64, have a strong relationship but are a little jealous of the 'swans''.
'Their relationships are intense and sexually active, too, without many of the downsides of first love,' he said.
posted on July 27, 2009 16:18
Another section taken off Joshua Harris' book, Boy Meets girl.. Talks about how Christian women should respond and support their men.. Not very appealing to ladies out there especially non-christian individuals, however, loosen up a bit and read what Josh has to say.. You will still find your own light in your own way..
A challenge to the ladies.. Be Godly Ladies..
Ladies, I hope you're still reading. I know that parts of this chapter might have made you cringe. " Women are supposed to respond to godly leadership from men? Give me a break!"
I think I can understand how you might feel. I'm sure that you can think of ways these biblical truths have been misused and misapplied by domineering and chauvinistic men. I'm sorry that has been the case. Please know that there are many men today who want to spend their lives proving that that's not what biblical masculinity is about.
Don't give up on us. We need your support. We need your prayers. We need you to fix your eyes on God -- not on the men who have misrepresented His plan -- and live your live in response to His commands for you as a women.
Here are four ways you can be sisters to the men in your life and practice mature femininity.
1. In your relationships with godly men, encourage and make room for them to practice servant leadership.
If a man's biggest temptation is to be passive, a woman's biggest temptation is to take control. The man isn't setting a course, so the woman grabs the steering wheel. It might fix things in the short term, but in the long run it only discourages men from playing their God-given role as initiators.
You can encourage men to be men by refusing to do the work of leading for them. What you want to avoid is developing a habit of initiating in your relationships with men. This doesn't mean that you never do so, but that it's not the normal pattern in your life. Neither does this mean that when you are single, you are supposed to submit to every man you meet. God asks a woman to submit only to her husband. But a single woman can, with men whose character warrants it, encourage servant leadership and respond to their initiative.
So if you are in a courtship, make room for him to lead. Step back and let him be the one to take charge. How else will he learn to lead? How else can you practice for the time when you will follow a husband?
Sylvia, who is in her thirties, gave me one example of how women can let men lead. " We ladies can be too quick to fill the silence in a conversation, " she said. " We're like ' Oh no, he's not talking! I need to say something.' But i think its more important for us to let there be awkward moments of silence so the men can step up
and lead the conversation."
Want some more examples? Don't plan your times together. Don't be too quick to be one who " clarifies" the relationship -- " What is our status ?" If at all possible, make him do it.
And finally, be patient. Most of us men are pretty new at this. We usually aren't as skilled as you in expressing our feelings. For a lot of us, courtship is the first time we've been expected to lead, communicate, and interact on emotional level with a women. Give us time I'm grateful that in my courtship with shannon, she gave me time to grow in my leadership skills. I made a lot of mistakes then ( and still do! ). I was often uncertain. But she didn't undermine my role or try to take over. Instead, she looked for ways to encourage me.
With God's help, you can do the same. When a men does lead, let him know you appreciate it. When he takes initiative in conversation, in activities, in fellowship -- in any area -- cheer him on.
2. Be a sister to the men in your life
What are the categories you have for Christian men in your life -- potential boyfriend, potential husband, no potential whatsoever? I encourage you to drop these categories. The first way you should view a Christian guy is as a brother.
Be a sister to the men in your life. Pray for them. Be yourself. Don't put up a front. Be a friend.
And remember, encouraging men to lead and to initiate doesn't mean that girls never start a conversation or have ideas for activities. My coworker Dawn and her three room-mtes makes a practice of inviting a group of guys over for dinner every two weeks. They use these times to reach out to new people in their singles ministry and to develop friendships. Dawn and her room-mates are being sisters to their brothers in the Lord.
3. Cultivate the attitude that motherhood is a noble and fufilling calling.
Today many people scorn motherhood and the skills associated with managing a home. In our culture children are viewed as a nuisance, and motherhood is considered a waste of a women's talents. A college counselor once told me that the majority of the female students she worked with secretly longed to get married and have kids, but they were too ashamed to admit it. What a tragedy!
Please don't believe our culture's lies about motherhood. If God has placed that desire in your heart, don't be embarrassed about it. The bible encourages younger women to learn homemaking skills from older women. Learning to keep a home and love a husband and children is part of God's plan for the complete training of a young women ( see Titus 2:3 ). Don't hesitate to learn the practical skills that will one day allow you to serve a family. Search out godly mothers in your local church from whom you can learn.
You can possess biblical femininity without being married or having children. As a single woman, you can express your femininity by practicing hospitality and by caring for and nurturing the people in your life. But you can also honor God's plan for womanhood by agreeing that motherhood is a high and noble calling.
4. Cultivate godliness and inward beauty in your life.
A girl once wrote to me how God had used Proverbs 7:5 to convict her of being like the wayward woman who led men astray. " I don't want to be a seductress like her," she wrote. "I don't what flirtatiousness or immodest clothing to keep guys from seeing me as a sister in Christ."
If you want godly men to respect and cherish you as a woman, refuse to buy into our culture's obsession with being physically beautiful and sexually alluring. This is an attitude that springs from the motives of your heart and extends to the way you dress and act around men.
Is your wardrobe an expression of your love for God? Shannon often says to women, "There's a big difference between dressing attractively and dressing to attract." What's your motive? Have you ever asked your father or another Christian women to honestly evaluate your clothing? Are you willing to sacrifice fashion to be obedient to God?
During our courtship, Shannon honored me by always acting and dressing modestly. A few times that meant getting rid of outfits that she didn't think wold cause a problem. ( Ladies you'll never know just how differently we're weird until you get married! ). Once when i told her that a particular pair of shorts were a little too short and were causing me to struggle, she quickly replaced them.
In Scripture, Peter tells Christian women that their beauty should be that of their inner selves -- " the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight" ( 1 Peter 3:4 ). In commenting on the verse, John Stott writes:
The church should be a veritable beauty parlour, because it encourages its women members to adorn themselves with good deeds. Women need to remember that if nature has made them plain, grace can make them beautiful, and if nature has made them beautiful, good deeds can add to their beauty.
Grace will make you beautiful and will attract truly godly men to you. Make godliness and inward beauty your piority.
Taken from: "Boy Meets Girl" by Joshua Harris
posted on July 27, 2009 15:54
Taken off a Christian love and relationship book by Joshua Harris.. Talks about singlehood, how one should approach a relationship as a Christian..
Resisting temptations, drawing strength from prayer and God.. The following Chapter decribes how Josh felt singles should do while being single..
Hustle While You Wait
Fortunately, we have a source to turn to when these questions arise. I’ve found some guidance in the book of Ephesians. Paul writes, "BE very careful, then, how you live-- not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil" (Ephesians 5:15 - 16). Another version reads, "See then that you walk circumspectly, not as fools but as wise, redeeming the time" (NKJV)
My mom uses the phrase "hustle while you wait" to express the same idea. If one of us children stands around, picking at food while she cooks dinner, Mom will snap, like the football coach to his players, " Don't just sit stand there! Hustle while you wait!" That means to set the table, put away groceries, or load the dishwasher; be productive during a lull in the action.
My Mom has intolerance for wasted time. I think God has the same intolerance. He has entrusted us with gifts and talents, and He expects us to guard and use them wisely. Will we give Him a return regarding our romantic relationships; we still have work to do. We have bad habits to get rid of, good habits to develop, and character to build. Let’s hustle!
Yes, we'll still have a lot of questions - we may not know whom or when we'll marry. But we must not allow what we can’t know to hinder us from acting on what we do know. And what do we know? We know that we have today to move with resolute energy toward maturity and Christlikeness, a calling of every Christian whether he or she will marry next week or ten years from now.
When we focus on “redeeming the time," we'll not only make the most of each moment; we'll also prepare ourselves for the next season of our lives. Our faithfulness in small things today earns us the right to handle bigger responsibilities down the road.
Do something with your single hood, not about it.
Taken from: "I kissed dating Goodbye, Joshua Harris" Chpt 12
posted on July 27, 2009 15:33
A piece of meaningful passage which describes the love cycle as percieved by a individual.. This passage was circulating around Emails in year
2000 or even earlier, unknown source but wonderfully written..
你这一生会遇上四个人
第一个是自己
第二个是你最爱的人
第三个是最爱你的人
第四个是共度一生的人
首先会遇到你最爱的人，然后体会到爱的感觉；
因为了解被爱的感觉，所以才能发现最爱你的人；
当你经历过爱与被爱，学会了爱，才会知道什么是你需要的；
也才会找到最适合你，能够相处一辈子的人；
你最爱的，往往没有选择你；
最爱你的，往往不是你最爱的；
最长久的，偏偏不是你最爱也不是最爱你的，
只是在最适合的时间出现的那个人。
你会是别人身命中的第几个人呢?
没有人是故意要变心的，他爱你的时候是真的爱你，
可是他不爱你的时候也是真的不爱你了，
他爱你的时候没有办法假装不爱你；
同样的，他不爱你的时候也没有办法假装爱你。
当一个人不爱你想要离开你，
你要问自己还爱不爱他，
如果你也不爱他了。千万别为了可怜的自尊而不肯离开；
如果你还爱他，你应该希望他过得幸福快乐，
希望他跟真正爱的人在一起，绝不会阻止，
你要是阻止他得到真正的幸福，就表示你已经不爱他了，
而如果你不爱他，你又有什么资格指责他变心呢?
爱不占有，
你喜欢月亮，不可能把月亮拿下来放在脸盆里，
但月亮的光芒仍可照进你的房间。
换句话说，你爱一个人，也可以用另一种方式拥有，
让爱人成为生命里永恒回忆，
如果你真爱一个人，就要爱他原来的样子--爱他的好，也爱他的坏；
爱他的优点，也爱他的缺点，
决不能应为爱他，就希望他变成自己所希望的样子，
万一变不成就不爱他了。
真正爱一个人是无法说出原因的，
你只知道无论何时何地，心情好坏，你都希望这个人陪着你；
真正的感情是两人在最艰苦中相守，也就是没有丝毫要求。
毕竟，爱情必须付出，而不是只想获得；
分开是一种必然的考验,
如果你们的不够稳固，只好认输，
真爱是不会怒恨的。
两人在谈情说爱的时候，
最喜欢叫对方发誓，许下承诺我们为什么要对方发誓，
就是因为我们不相信对方，我们根本都不相信情人，
而这些山盟海誓又很不切实际；
海枯石烂，天老地荒，都不能改变我对你的爱!
明知道海不会枯，石不会烂，地不会老，天不会荒；
就算会，也活不到那时候。
许下诺言的时候千万注意，不要许下不可以实现的诺言，
最好是承诺做不到的事，
反正做不到的，随便说说也不要紧，
请记住；"不可以实现的诺言最动人"
在爱情里，说的是一套，做的是另一套；
讲的人不相信，听的人也不相信。
你呢?找到了第几个?
茫茫人海中，你遇见了谁?谁又遇见了你?
